The True Meaning Of Christmas

By Without Shoes Staff Writer, Sarah Tonin

What is the True Meaning of Christmas?

"The true meaning of Christmas is going on shopping sprees and watching the effluence of washed up pointless celebrities singing cluelessly on T.V.", says Gus Comzadia; an expert on the holiday. "But some don't see that. I, and many other Christians, am greatly concerned by the increasing tendency to honor the birth of some Jewish guy on this day. Don't you people know what Christmas is all about? It's all about wrapping paper, gift bags, parking lots, and discount prices!!! (And pretending to have spent lots of money on shitty gifts)".

Aside from conspicuous consumption, Christmas is a time for falling down drunkenness

In reality, too many people around the world view Christmas as a time of  togetherness and good will.  People waste time with family and friends when they should be massively consuming  cheap shoddy goods manufactured in Santa's Vietnamese sweat shops, guzzling booze and  learning to hate each other.

Corporate cartels rely on your gross consumption of their cheap goods to stay on top.

WHAT IS IT ALL ABOUT?
"What Christmas is all about" is a common theme in literature and arts. In the animated holiday classic A Charlie Brown Christmas, the main character, Charlie Brown, is depressed because he believes Christmas is too religious, and wants to know what Christmas is really all about. He learns, when his friend makes a touching speech, quoting from a Mal-Mart catalog: "'50% off on all holiday items!!!! Don't miss this once in a lifetime opportunity to SAVE, SAVE, SAVE!!!!!!!!!!!'. That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown!" Charlie Brown and his friends then go to a fast food chain restaurant together, to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas. Though others claim the true meaning of Christmas was the birth of Santa Claus. Of course, all the preachers and clergymen like to bullshit people with all this biblical crap about mangers and wise men being related to Christmas. but they are obviously just assholes... What do they know?  Nothing.

The Birth Of Santa and honoring him by decorating your toilet in his likeness
Is The "TRUE" Meaning of Christmas.

The War On Holiday
Many people are growing concerned that the true meaning of Christmas, the buying of things at a big box  discount store, owned by evil multinational corporate cartels and then eating and drinking until you throw up, is being forgotten in today's world. "I am greatly concerned by the amount of giving, caring, and honoring of cosmic muffins that took place this past Holiday season," says Mal Mart chairperson Rex DeEconomy, "All this talk about Gods  and loving those around you, and a season of joy? Have you people forgotten the meaning of  Holiday? I have very serious concerns that Holiday is being infiltrated by religion. This must stop if we are to save mom, apple pie, capitalism and the two party system! Christ, the next thing you know women and minorities will be demanding equal rights...we can't have that you know. Damn it!"

Glub...Hic...Barffff