230 Reasons Why You Should Be Cynical

If you still have any illusions after considering my list, the bitter pleasure of cynical commiseration may not be for you...but for everyone else....sharpen those barbs!

230 random reasons YOU should be cynical!

1. leaders
2. followers
3. outlaws
4. lawyers
5. backstabbers
6. brown-nosers
7. yes-men
8. middlemen
9. Men who try to be"alpha" males
10. women who try to be "alpha" males
11. good ol' boys who become president
12. bimbos who become celebrities
13. celebrities
14. prima donnas
15. dictators
16. people who take dictation
17. hypocrites
18. charlatans
19. MBAs
20. mindless drones who get promoted to management
21. conformists
22. poseurs
23. bores
24. boors
25. borscht
    
26. weasels
27. barracudas
28. pedophile priests
29. leeches
30. internal parasites
31. investment bankers
32. old-money snobs
33. new-money snobs
34. fine print
35. overbooked flights
36. planned obsolescence
37. $500 electronic handheld organizers that are almost as efficient as $8 loose-leaf organizers
38. computer literacy replacing literary literacy
39. computer viruses
40. software bugs
41. bugs
42. the values instilled by video games (if it gets in your way, nuke it)
43. thinking about a future society run by people nurtured on video games
44. spam! spam! spam! spam!
45. losing most of our day to meaningless work
46. the term "superiors"
47. the term "subordinates"
48. cubicles and other sensory deprivation cells
49. people who thrive in cubicles
50. "It takes money to make money"
51. "It's not what you know, it's who you know"
52. staying at a job you detest because the alternatives are even worse
53. executive bonuses that exceed your annual salary
54. the "fast track"
55. the "glass ceiling"
56. watching everyone rise to the level of their incompetence
57. the annual incomes of CEOs
58. the writing ability of CEOs
59. multimillion-dollar "golden parachutes" awarded to dismissed CEOs
60. the practice of terminating veteran employees a year before retirement
61. the term "terminating"
62. "leveraging"
63. "targeting"
64. "impacting"
65. downsizing profitable companies for the sole purpose of wooing investors
66. the fact that investors reward companies for downsizing
67. the fact that companies now exist only to woo investors
68. self-infatuated bodybuilders who know all their muscles by name
69. gated communities
70. $900,000 yuppie MacMansions
71. the growing gap between haves and have-nots
72. professional jargon: the Tower of Babel revisited
73. the fact that people expect you to understand their jargon
74. "newspeak"
75. "groupthink"
76. totalitarianism
77. mass movements
78. mass media
79. mass murder
80. mass marketing
81. special offer exclusively for Mr. Occupant
82. lawsuits by people who spill coffee on themselves
83. lawyers who encourage lawsuits by people who spill coffee on themselves
84. the absurd amounts of money awarded to people who spill coffee on themselves
85. the absurd amounts of money awarded to lawyers who prosecute lawsuits by people who spill coffee on themselves
86. your death will be referred to as a "negative patient healthcare outcome"
87. health insurance as a capitalist enterprise
88. the effects of age and gravity on the human body
89. drugs whose side effects are worse than the disease
90. dandruff
91. gout
92. flatulence
93. herpes
94. psoriasis
95. Alzheimer's disease
96. Tourette's syndrome
97. St. Vitus' dance
98. hemorrhoids
99. chronic sinusitis
100. yeast infections
101. athlete's foot
102. gum disease
103. crotch rot
104. mad cow disease
105. elephantiasis
106. crabs
107. male-pattern baldness
108. irritable bowel syndrome
109. having to worry about your blood pressure and cholesterol
110. the fact that worrying about your blood pressure and cholesterol will probably raise both of them
111. argumentative angry people who hate progress, decency , and spelling
112. movie critics who give rave reviews to bad films so their names will appear in newspaper ads
113. celebrity authors who earn more for a ghostwritten book than 100 editors make in a year
114. the state of music today
115. the state of Florida
116. used-car dealers
117. chain letters
118. pyramid schemes
119. people who refer to pyramid schemes as "multi-level marketing"or "instruments"
120. lawmakers mesmerized by people who refer to pyramid schemes as "multi-level marketing"or "instruments".
121. oxymorons like "corporate culture"
122. millionaire sports players who grumble about their salaries
123. boxers who bite off their opponents' ears or any other body parts for that matter
     
124. sports teams made up of wealthy convicted felons
125. sports parents who browbeat their kids for screwing up on the field
126. asinine chants of "We're #1!"
     
127. sports fanatics who live vicariously through their teams
128. anyone who lives vicariously through a soap opera
129. eulogies delivered by clergymen who didn't know the deceased
130. the worldwide triumph of American pop culture
131. the profitability of bad taste
132. disco
     
133. velvet paintings
134. the fact that the majority of autographed sports collectibles are fakes
135. the need to purchase separate shoes for walking, jogging, tennis and basketball
136. selling advertising space on anything that doesn't move and some things that DO (buses, stock cars, Olympic athletes, politicians)
137. people who spend an hour clipping coupons so they can save 87 cents
138. the licensing of dead celebrities
139. people who gain an identity by wearing t-shirts with commercial logos
140. "As seen on TV!"
141. the fact that the entire economy of the free world is in the hands of gamblers and flim flam men.
142. pop music after 1970
143. life after 1970
144. prejudice
145. the plethora of con men claiming to speak for Gods.
146. the perverse intelligence of inanimate objects that roll just out of reach
147. price labels or packaging that won't come off without wrecking the product
148. phones so small and complicated that despite their remarkable capabilities are useless for anything but a doorstop.
     
149. 500 channels of mind erasing intelligence insulting bullshit
150. man's treachery toward his fellow-creatures
151. killing rhinos for their horns
152. killing elephants for their tusks
153. killing baby seals for their fur
154. killing employees for their productivity
155. the fact that it's easier in the U.S. to obtain handguns than Cuban cigars
156. oil cartels
157. the term "human resources" (we are not BAUXITE!)
158. billion-dollar sportswear companies that increase profits from exploiting child labor
159. clear-cutting the rainforests to make room for McDonald's beef cattle
160. war
161. street gangs
162. rapists
163. carjackers
164. slumlords
165. racketeers
166. muggers who shoot you for a pair of sneakers
167. people who but 300 dollar sneakers
     
168. capitalism
169. communism
170. fascism
171. commericialism
172. terrorism
     
173. antidisestablishmentarianism
174. chauvinism
175. Calvinism
176. cannibalism
177. corporatism
     
178. plagiarism
179. institutionalism
     
180. optimism
181. evangelism
182. careerism
183. industrialism
184. mammonism
185. materialism
186. religionism
187. rheumatism
188. alarmism
189. consumerism
     
190. aneurysms
     
191. Freudianism
192. psychoanalysts who keep their patients coming back for 20 years
193. patients who still hope for a cure after being psychoanalyzed for 20 years
194. finding happiness only after getting a lobotomy
195. brainwashing
196. anyone associated with the O.J. Simpson trial who wrote a book
197. sequels
198. bad movies based on old TV shows
199. the fact that those bad movies become blockbusters anyway
200. blue-eyed Nordic Jesus
201. motivational seminars that promise easy success
202. people who pay to attend them
203. the success of writers, musicians, and artists who sell out
204. the wretched abject poverty of writers, musicians, and artists who don't
205. obfuscation
206. what the Spaniards did to Montezuma
207. the fact that Tom Cruise is more famous than John Adams or Charlemagne
208. MTV
     
209. the fact that nobody reads literature anymore
210. the fact that Walt Disney World is the biggest single tourist attraction in the U.S.
211. the disappearance of independently owned radio stations
212. the disappearance of independently owned everything else
     
213. the perplexing success of the ugliest pop music
214. the unlamented demise of Western Civilization
215. the survival of tuberculosis bacilli and political parties
216. Washington insiders
217. dinner parties for Washington insiders
218. buying an ambassadorship
219. foreign ambassadors with 137 parking tickets who claim diplomatic immunity
220. backslappers and palm-greasers
221. politicians who sell out to lobbyists
222. lobbyists
223. photo opportunities and sound bites
224. spin
225. Rupert Murdoch
226. The legal right to lie, fought for and won by a news organization
     
227. mudslinging as viable campaign strategy
228. the stock market soaring on news of higher unemployment
229. knowing that all your knowledge and experiences will evaporate when you die
230. Reading 230 excuses for being a skeptical, cynical, sarcastic bastard.
     

Irony Deficiency And Wry Bread

Without Shoes editor Benjamin New

Irony Deficiency
What Is The Nature Of Cynicism?

"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it." - Mark Twain


Worldly evils, blatant acts of goofy sub-normality, and petty vexations drive us to distilleries faster than a Taco Hell burrito washed down with a Red Bull goes through your system. We are cynical and sarcastic, having concluded that though money cannot buy happiness, it can be used to rent it. We realize that people who describe themselves as "middle of the road" are in denial of the 18 wheeler bearing down on them at 70 miles an hour loaded with rubber chickens. We are overworked to the point that we must make clones of ourselves to handle the workload. The clones are identical to us in every way, except they shout obscenities all the time. This upsets everyone which forces us to dispose of them by pushing them off a bridge inevitably causing a policeman to arrest us for making obscene clones fall. Now if you aren't overworked then you are unemployed or underemployed. Offers for pre-declined credit cards are pouring into your mailbox. The "jobless recovery"? The mob is laying off judges and CEOs are reduced to playing mini golf. And if you are working it's a crap job that has ruined lives. Of course there's the demise of Western civilization, the triumph of degeneracy, barbarism, evil, and MBAs, moronic cheesy books that stay on the bestseller list for 189 weeks, general chronic disappointment, and eternal damnation.

Merely a few causes for cynicism.

You understand there are no smug certainties of any kind... that all the world is a stage and it's littered with product tie-ins. You my friend, are a fellow cynic. We are kindred spirits, brothers and sisters under the skin. whether you are a disgruntled idealist, a subversive wit, a professional misfit, a skeptical jester, curmudgeon, social reject, misanthrope, or a secret sentimentalist who longs for a simpler, sweeter life...we are a tribe.

Were you born cynical? Or has cynicism been thrust upon you? Either way, we here at the Without Shoes blog say "give us your tired, bitter, alienated, underappreciated & overwhelmed because chances are you'll fit right in!

History Of Cynicism.

Cynicism is a Greek invention, like the Doric column or the gyro sandwich.
The first Cynics (for some reason when we refer to the ancient ones, the word is capitalized) were the students of a philosopher named Antisthenes, who in turn was a student of the more popular Socrates. Like Socrates, the Cynics believed that virtue was the greatest good. But they took it further than the old master, who would merely challenge unsuspecting folks to
good-natured debates and let their own foolishness cause their fall.

The Cynics were far more blunt when it came to exposing foolishness. They'd hang out in the streets like a pack of dogs ("Cynic" actually comes from the Greek word for dog), watch the passing crowd, and ridicule them for their pomposity , pretentiousness, materialism or downright wickedness. Fiercely independent, they led disciplined and virtuous lives. The most famous of the ancient Cynics was Diogenes, who reportedly took up residence in a tub to demonstrate his freedom from material wants. This cranky street-philosopher would introduce himself by saying, "I am Diogenes the dog. I nuzzle the kind, bark at the greedy and bite scoundrels." He'd use a lantern by daylight, explaining that he was searching for an honest man. Even Alexander the Great didn't escape mockery. When the young conqueror found Diogenes sitting in the marketplace and asked how he could help him, the old philosopher replied "you can step out of my sunlight."

As you might expect, the ancient Cynics' habit of ridiculing their fellow citizens didn't win them many friends. People generally don't like to hear the truth. Truth is after all rare but demand for it is much rarer! Who wants to hear unflatterng truths about themselves, especially in public? But the Cynics, like the Blues Brothers; were on a mission from Zeus. As the Stoic philosopher Epictetus wrote "A Cynic is a spy who aims to discover what things are friendly or hostile to man; after making accurate observations, he then comes back and reports the truth."

The ancient Cynics have turned to dust, but their successors have carried on quite nobly.
Juvenal, Rabelais, Swift, Voltaire and Mark Twain have all used the classic Cynics' tools -- bitter irony, biting sarcasm and mirthful ridicule!


It is up to us, my fellow cynics, to expose the follies & timeless foibles of humankind.
If you consider yourself a cynic, take pride in your heritage; as the world needs you now more than ever. Cynicism gives us the often painful power to behold life without its sustaining illusions.
We simply can't pretend the emperor is dressed in splendid finery.
We are compelled to shout "Hey buddy your sorry ass is naked!"



Cynics are not prone to activism. You'd think we'd do something constructive about our discontentment. But we're smart enough to know that we won't prevail, and probably a little too jaded to attempt any labor that's predestined to fail.
What we do is retaliate with our personal brand of wounded wit. Truly, inside every cynic is a disillusioned idealist. Though we can't defeat oppressors, we can mock them!
That's about as much justice as a cynic can expect.

"If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?"
--George Carlin...Cynic